One of us is Crazy.....

And I'm pretty sure its YOU! -  (hilarious title of a book about marriage peddled at A Weekend to Remember)





I'm not a typical oeey gooey pastor's wife (Piano playing, casserole baking, home schooling church lady standing faithfully beside my man with a big fake smile on my face.)  So I've resisted things like "Women of Faith" and Weekend to Remember" conferences thinking that they are really hokey.  But lately, I must be getting soft.  I went o Women of Faith a couple of years ago and loved it.  I've started reading my hubby's Christianity Today magazine cover to cover and quoting it to him, and now I attended my first "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference. 
Despite being encouraged by many church members of other pastoral couples that the conference was worth our time, Kumar and I always scoffed at the idea.  I thought these weekends were kind of hokey, meant for country bumpkin couples who want to confirm their "respect, obey and submit" type marriage.  Who knew we would be delightfully surprised?  

First the facts:  The conference has a Friday evening, Saturday 8:30-5:00 and Sunday morning schedule.  It's done in a combination of lecture (sermon) style, mixed with video clips, short couple activities, and a morning session separated by gender. We also attended a morning session just for pastoral couples.  They also encourage you to schedule a Saturday night special "date night" with your spouse.  

Location: Hershey, Pennsylvania.  The sweetest place on earth, over Valentines Day weekend, no kids - what's not to like?  Hershey is just a few hours away from where we live, so its a perfect weekend getaway.  The hotel is cozy in winter - lots of fireplaces and comfy couches, and there's great restaurants (I must have put on 3 pounds in the weekend alone) and Outlet shopping nearby.  Although trying on clothes after those yummy chocolate desserts is not recommended.  

Lessons Learned:  Kumar and I want to be married a long, long time, and we recognize that we need help with that goal.   Even perfect couples grow and change.  Life throws us all kinds of surprises, and staying together through these problems requires work. 
      The sessions are fairly basic, covering communication styles, gender differences and a Biblical perspective.  Sure, you could probably learn this stuff by reading a book together.  But are you and your spouse really going to read a book together about marriage?  For me it's like working out.  I can exercise in my home, but somehow if I'm doing yoga in the living room, after about 15 minutes, I end up sitting on the couch with a snack. However, when I'm at the gym, with a live instructor and 20 other people watching, I worker harder and last the whole hour.
       There's something nice about knowing that other couples have similar or different issues as yours (we ALL have issues), and hearing strategies to work on your specific deficits.  Sure, there were parts that I thought were basic and I did hear more about child rearing than the feminist side of me wanted to. But for the most part, I think they handled it all well. 

Surprises:  I didn't feel preached at in a bad way. I didn't feel like it was hokey.  I even felt they handled controversial issues like physical/emotional abuse and sex in a thoughtful way.

The only downer for me was that the men at the conference did most of the talking.  Even in the video clips that where they showed psychologists and marriage therapists talking about marriage, they were all men. What's up with that?  Are women not respected in this field?  The American Psychological Association reports that in 2005 "nearly 72 percent of new PhD and PsyDs entering psychology were women."  I'm not sure if this is the norm at these conferences, since the website lists its speakers in couples.   But my experience, (adding to with my past negative experiences with gender equality within Christianity) was a little patriarchal.

I was happily surprised to see that their materials were well balanced in terms of racial equality.  There were all sorts of people there, couples like the one I described at the beginning of the blog, other couples who were fully tatooed and pierced, and then many "normal" couples like me.  All wanting to improve their marriages.  

If your relationship could a push in the right direction, we havea special savings code for people that we refer.  Enter NEW HOPE FULTON, when registering for a weekend to remember getaways at any location.  There are also special military and pastor rates.  We're all imperfect people, on this imperfect earth, trying to make our lives "perfect" - stop faking it and get real. 

One day at a time

This morning, I turned on the computer to find out that Pope Benedict is resigning.  Wow!  He says that he no longer has the mental or physical strength to cope with his ministry.  Pope Benedict is 85 years old. The median age of the 10 oldest popes on record is 85.6, so maybe it was a good move, physically and mentally.  But it really made me think- If you've been called by God, can you resign from ministry?

Most of us lay people serve in ministries as a side interest, taking on new ministries and resigning from ministries as our busy lives and interests allow.  But what about pastors?
There are some people who become pastors, maybe because they didn't know what to major in at college.  But others have been called by God.  Kumar says that he's always known he was going to be a pastor.  He was dedicated by his parents to pastors ministry as a baby.  Luckily, he also grew up with the talents and interest in pursuing a profession in leading others to Christ.  He started his career fairly young, age 20.  Does that mean he must be a pastor until age 67-70?  Or can he resign now after 20 years of ministry and pursue a new career? Are you called by God to the same ministry forever?

What about the mental and physical demands of ministry?  Pastors work a weird schedule.  They work 24-7.   If someone is in the hospital in the middle of the night.  You're on.  Holidays - Christmas and Easter, you're not only on, but you are usually working overtime (with no overtime pay).  Even if you are off, and on vacation, you end up running into church members and once again, you're on.  What does that do to your mental and physical strength?   The Adventist church gives pastors sabbaticals to rest and refresh their bodies and minds.  But why are there still so many pastors who leave ministry?  And take it from me, an angry pastors' wife, there are many more pastors out there who WANT to leave ministry.

I think its because its a futile job.  Just like my field of special education.  We are working every day with people who can't,  don't want to, and maybe never will reach their full potential.   That's really frustrating.  How do we cope?  For teachers, we live for summer vacation and graduation, knowing we've done our best with these students and hope that someone else will find a new and different way to reach them later in life.  Some pastors do the same.  They move on after 3-5 years, so someone new can try to inspire this uninspired lot.  Or they move on to bigger and better things (Conference positions, healthcare administration, etc..) where the big bucks are.

I think pastors, teachers, nurses, anyone in a "people" industry should leave their positions once they no longer care.  Actually, this applies to all jobs.  If you work at Starbucks and you don't care about my drink, please resign. If you're a mechanic and you don't care about my car, resign!   If you work in Congress and don't care about our country, please leave.
It's a struggle to keep caring about others, even when they don't want your care and concern.
God does this every day.  He won't resign because of a lack of physical and emotional strength to deal with us pesky humans.  Maybe he'll give me the power to continue to deal with the people around me, one day at a time.

Things Every Praise Singer Should Know

The snarky part of me wants you to read this like a David Letterman top 10 list (Can you tell that I am a child of the 80s)?
It's a little direct, and if you are hurt by this, because you are one of those people onstage, please know that I'm just saying what everyone else is saying.... behind your back.

10.  The tune - duh.
9.    The words - If you aren't naturally talented at learning the words to songs, read them on the screen or on paper.  Don't fake it.  We can tell that you are just repeating "Watermelon, bubblegum, watermelon"
8.  Your audience - If you are singing in a nursing home, you are probably going to pick a different set than if you are singing to a group of teens.  Not all congregations are that obvious about what they like, but if the group isn't singing, they probably don't like your choice of music.  Watch the audience and figure out what they like.  You are the leader, but you aren't leading if no one is following.
7.  Why Music is Important to Worship - Even in the year 2013, some people are not on the "praise music" bandwagon.  As a leader in this ministry, you should know and be able to articulate why praise music is a valid (and not Satanic) form of worship for your congregation
6.  The band - Unless you sing only a capella at your church, you should probably know your musicians.  You don't need to know how to play all their instruments; but since they are such a vital part of your ministry, and they can be temperamental (sometimes, please don't throw your drumsticks at me), you should probably know their names, some general info about their instruments, and what kind of coffee they like sabbath morning  ;)  A musician who loves you or hates you while you are singing can make or break you.
5.  The sound man - Likewise,  feedback or questionable mixing by the sound man can make you and your team sound really great or really really really bad.  Become friends with the sound man or woman, and you WILL sound better.  
4.  Body Language - I've been at a church service or two, where the singers were really distracting.  Think about Celine Dion - beautiful voice (can't be denied) + distracting body language = the butt of many jokes on Saturday Night Live.  Her awkward body language makes her a laughingstock to many people.  Body movement can be taught and improved upon.  If people giggle when you are dancing, you may want to consider evaluating your body language when you are onstage.  
3.  How to transition/finish - My least favorite song during praise is "I can sing of your love forever" sung forever.  Sorry God, maybe in heaven I'll be able to sing and never get tired, but right now, I want the "One more time" to stop.  Sing a song that everyone loves, then end the song.  Make us want more.
2.  Being Genuine is not enough - This is the hard truth.  If you are not a good hair stylist, I wouldn't let you cut my hair, not matter how much you LOVE doing it.  If even if tell me that it's your God-given talent, the thing that makes you happy.  No scissors for you!  Same goes for the praise team.  If you love to sing and you are not good at it, sing with gusto - from your seat.  Not onstage.
1.  How to take criticism - The truth is hard to accept, and sometimes hurts your feelings.  But if someone loves you enough to tell you the truth, for your own good, find a way to learn from it.  In the end, it will make you a better person.